One of the biggest ways I process my feelings is through journaling. This is a journal entry I found from almost a year ago… (P.S. when I said we had been praying about this move for a long time, I meant it!)

*Excuse the language. This is raw + real emotions.

I’ve had this internal struggle my entire life that I don’t fit in. That I’m this missing piece to the puzzle, the black sheep in the pasture, the mermaid out of water. Growing up I was friends with everyone, and yet very few people truly knew me. A people pleaser to the core, I learned to adapt myself to my environment. I pride myself with my ability to get along with almost anyone. I believe I have a gift of making other people feel comfortable and welcomed. 

In hindsight, I can see a lot of good that came out of that. But as an adult, I’ve also had to learn how to stand up for myself, to become my own person and let that authentically shine. I’ve been incredibly blessed with a husband who brings that out of me. Who encourages me to not give a shit what other people think.

• I’ve learned that fashion trends don’t work for every body and if you don’t truly love it, you’ll never pull it off because you won’t feel confident.
• I’ve learned that compliments won’t mean shit if you don’t learn to love yourself first.
• I’ve learned that you’ll never be content until you learn to be grateful.

One of my huge struggles is that I’ve never truly felt at home where I live. I know that no location comes without flaws. There are going to be pros and cons to everywhere you live and I know its just a matter of finding a location where the culture and lifestyle most closely resemble your own. But I haven’t found that yet, and I’m not sure I ever will. 

I always knew I didn’t fit in in Washington. The PNW is grey 9 months out of the year. Summer temps average at around 80 degrees. But surprisingly, my lack of fitting in has to do with a lot more than just the weather. Other than my obsession with coffee, I don’t fit in with the highly political, Northface hiking culture. While I enjoy nature, Washingtonians bring “outdoorsy” to an entirely new level. 

California was the closest to perfect weather I’ve ever experienced. Winters were mild, and the Summer’s stayed in my ideal 80-90’s most of the time. But even thought the landscape and hills were dreamy, it took two incomes to make the dream of home owning even a possibility and the traffic, y’all! The traffic sucked the life out of you. Then there was the strange looks you got for having a big family or for being a stay at home mom. It made it really hard to truly connect with other moms and families.

I thought Florida was going to be a dream come true. With the perfect beaches, always sunny weather, and proximity to the happiest place on earth?! I mean, what wasn’t to love? Well, it turns out a lot. The 90% humidity for one, and the mosquitos that ate me alive anytime I stepped outdoors. Don’t forget the tourist prices EVERYwhere! And while there’s nothing wrong with being content, a lot of people just seemed to have this mentality that life was as good as its going to get. If there was something they were unhappy about with their life, its like they just sat in that and shrugged it off, rather than being motivated to take control and change it. 

And then there’s Vegas. The place I never wanted to visit and had even less of a desire to call home. But then God. I’m still not sure why he brought us here and turned out lives upside down yet again, but I trust him through it. Am I crazy about the desert? Not at all. The weather is always extreme and the dryness is destroying my skin and hair (not to mention my plants). But the community here is gold and our business partners are the best.

I have no idea what the future will hold for our family, but I trust that God will either help us fall in love with the desert, or guide us to the next place he needs us. My prayer is he will use us to bless those around us, that we will see the beauty in where he has us, and that we can be content and joyful in the here and now.